Wed Feb 14, 2024

Have you ever gotten stuck in an awkward silence in conversation?

Did you ever run out of things to say or think of?

Do you get frustrated when talking to difficult people?

I recommend you stop reading this, and start reading Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss(NStD).

Personally, it has changed my life. It has given me the tools to talk in all sorts of situations.

Right off the bat the first two tools I’d like to share with you that comes from the book NStD is: Labeling and Mirroring.

Labeling

Labeling is a verbal acknowledgment of the other side’s feeling and position

Key words: seems / sounds / looks / feels

Your goal is to really try and express understanding to your counterpart so that they feel as though you are on the same page with them.

For example:

• “it sounds like that really upset you…”

• “please correct me if I am wrong, but it seems like…”

• “it feels like there’s something still bothering you…”

• “it looks like there’s no progress going on…”

• “it seems like I’m not really understanding what you are trying to say”

You know you labeled perfectly when you hear a, “that’s right”, as a response.

You can purposefully label incorrectly so that you could have your counterpart speak in more detail.

You can label what you see in counterpart’s body language, hear in their tonality or hear in the content of their words.

Even when there’s a lull in the conversation, a funny label that’s pretty meta that you could use is: “it seems like you’ve ran out things to say.”

Mirroring

Mirroring is pointing out something they said but with a curious tone. Another tool to extract more information from your counterpart.

For example:

Imagine listening to your friend and they have just had a bad day at work. They go on to talk about how a patient in the hospital was yelling at them.

You respond with:

• “yelling?” (with an upward inflection)

This encourages your friend to elaborate more and lets them know you are listening and following along. When responding back it is important that you use a curious tone.

Summarizing what they’ve said is also a good mirror, also you can use labels in your summary.